THE LIFE OF A WINGMAN

By Amia Taylen Evans

Cast of Characters

FLORENCE: 18 years old, unreliable narrator, male or female, change pronouns based on the actor’s preference, CLARA’s best friend from ballet, ARTHUR’s older sibling, supportive wingman, basically a therapist

CLARA: 17 years old, female, FLORENCE’s best friend from ballet, extreme perfectionist, likes talking to strangers, makes jokes about her problems, believes she’s destined to be single, loves Greta Gerwig films

ARTHUR: 17 years old, male, FLORENCE’s younger brother, massive bookworm, hates talking to strangers, constantly daydreaming of a better life, believes in soulmates and true love, loves Greta Gerwig films

Setting

In Rome, Italy, present day

SCENE 1: INTRODUCTIONS

FLORENCE. Good evening, Mater Dei Theatre! Are we ready to hear the story of how I became a third wheel? (Beat.) Well, even if you’re not, I’m telling it anyway. I’m Florence, like the city, and our two lovebirds are none other than my ride-or-die bestie Clara (Enter CLARA on stage right.) and my annoying brother Arthur (Enter ARTHUR on stage left.). (CLARA and ARTHUR get ready for the day while FLORENCE continues narrating.) It’s fitting that eternal love takes place in the eternal city. I stopped hanging out with Arthur because he’s always talking about how he read that some random street we walk by used to be a crazy Ancient Roman site. Apparently, our apartment building was where the dead bodies of traitors would be dumped. He’s a nerd, but he’s genuinely really smart, and I see him going to one of those fancy English universities. I met Clara at my first ballet lesson when I was 10. She’s younger than me, but let’s just say I would be a terrible dancer if it weren’t for her. And not only is she the best dancer I know, but she’s also constantly getting scouted by modeling agencies that she never has time for. Okay, that’s enough exposition. Let’s go to where it all began.

(Exit CLARA and ARTHUR.)

SCENE 2: THE SUBWAY

FLORENCE. Here we are. Underground. How do I know what happened even though I wasn’t there? They told me, duh.

(Enter CLARA and ARTHUR with a book in his hand. They take a seat next to each other. CLARA watches a video on her phone, and ARTHUR is reading and humming “I’m Just Ken” from Barbie.

CLARA. Oh my gosh, I didn’t know people still liked that movie.

ARTHUR. Huh.

CLARA. The Barbie movie, starring Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling. It was super popular, and then everyone forgot about it. And every single guy I know hated that movie, so you’re probably the first one I’ve met who genuinely liked it.

ARTHUR. Oh. Yeah, I was rewatching it last night. I like Gerwig films.

CLARA. You what?!

ARTHUR (scared because a random girl is yelling at him). I said I like Greta Gerwig films.

CLARA. That is actually insane. You watch Greta Gerwig films. Is Barbie your favorite?

ARTHUR. I actually like Lady Bird more.

CLARA. (Getting really excited.) Are you being serious?! Some random stranger turns out to have the same favorite director as me, and we even have the same favorite movie. Okay, we need to be friends now. Do you want to be friends? (ARTHUR nods slowly, and CLARA sticks her hand out to him.) I’m Clara, and I play Clara in the Nutcracker too.

ARTHUR (shaking CLARA’s hand). Arthur. Like the king. I actually saw my school’s Nutcracker last night, and I think I recognize you from that. You were really good. Like, genuinely, I watch it every year, but you’re probably the best Clara I’ve ever seen.

CLARA. You flatter me too much. And that’s not true, last year’s Clara is way better than me. She’s with the Paris Opera Ballet now, like that’s how good she is. I messed up on my timing way too many times.

ARTHUR. Nobody noticed. You did amazing.

CLARA. Well, according to my ex, who decided to show up because he’s obsessed with me for some reason, that’s the reason why he left me, and I’m going to die heartbroken.

ARTHUR. What.

CLARA. What?

ARTHUR. Nevermind.

(CLARA and ARTHUR awkwardly sit in silence for a beat.)

CLARA. Wanna hang out sometime soon? Maybe get gelato and coffee or something?

ARTHUR. Uh, yeah, sure. Here’s my number.

(CLARA and ARTHUR trade phones and add their phone numbers.)

ARTHUR. That’s my stop. I’ll see you around soon.

CLARA. Goodbye, new friend!

(Exit ARTHUR and CLARA a little bit afterwards.)

SCENE 3: THE STORE

FLORENCE. While Clara was shopping for new pointe shoes and Arthur was wasting money on murdered trees for the hundredth time this week, the two of them decided to blow up my phone.

(Enter CLARA on stage left and ARTHUR on stage right, both of them quickly typing on their phones.)

CLARA. Flor, you won’t believe what just happened.

ARTHUR. Hey, loser, guess what happened?

CLARA. So I’m on my way to the dance store, right?

ARTHUR. I was minding my own business when a gorgeous girl started talking to me.

CLARA. The dude next to me is just reading Pride and Prejudice, and I noticed he was humming a song I know.

ARTHUR. We have the same taste in movies.

CLARA. And it turns out he likes the same movies as me!

ARTHUR. Did I mention that she’s beautiful?

CLARA. I’ve seen him around our school before, I’m surprised we haven’t become friends sooner.

ARTHUR. She goes to our school and is probably in the same grade as me. I’m actually an idiot for not noticing her sooner.

CLARA. I mean, have you ever met a guy who reads Pride and Prejudice? Most guys we know don’t even know how to read.

ARTHUR. She’s kind of scary, though. She started yelling at me out of nowhere, and she also overshares. A lot.

CLARA. I said we have the same favorite movie, right? Nobody else understands Lady Bird McPherson the way I do.

ARTHUR. Her favorite movie is also mine. I have someone I can hate on Kyle Sheible with.

CLARA. Don’t worry, you’re still my best friend. But this guy might be competition. You’d better watch out, Flor.

ARTHUR. This feels like that scene from Keeper of the Lost Cities where Sophie Foster meets Keefe Sencen for the first time. Except in real life. Wait, did you ever actually read that series? Loser.

CLARA. We’re gonna do a gelato and coffee date. Well, I wouldn’t call it a date, because we barely know each other. I don’t want a repeat of what happened with The Abominable Monstrosity LOL.

ARTHUR. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but now I’m fantasizing about the date she asked me out on. Wait, ignore that. I meant, hang out.

CLARA. He saw our show last night, by the way. His name’s Arthur. Isn’t that your brother’s name?

ARTHUR. She was in your ballet thing. She was Clara. Is she your friend?

FLORENCE. And that was when I knew it was time to start playing matchmaker.